Upped the dose

Nobody follows this which is cool. Means I can talk about stuff without anybody reading it. I process things by writing them out. Like there's a boil in my brain that needs lancing and writing is how I do that.

Roe V Wade happened and that's not great but I'm a self absorbed douche and fixated on Thomas's opinion that gay rights should be tossed out. Not just marriage but also making gay sex a criminal offense.

I have been sort of numb since then. I know how I am. I've intentionally avoided deleting everything and going full hermit but one thing I absolutely don't need or want is well meaning straight people saying to not worry.  They're not the ones being told they deserve to be locked away from normal people because their existence is an offense against society. Frankly I don't want to hear it right now. I want to look at the horizon and see plumes of smoke as it all burns to the fucking ground.

I've upped the dose on the antidepressants. Be better to be numb I think... I know. At least for a while. It's not numb as much as so jittery I can't focus on anything long enough to spiral. The hard part is knowing when to go off or drop the dose back down to a maintenance level. I normally only go up for fall, seasonal affected depression they call it, SAD. An unfortunate acronym actually. 

How long is this season going to last? Is this the season for now tho? They're lifetime appointments. How much worse is it going to get? How much is my innate cynicism and how much is reality?

But, work's a thing. It doesn't care... It just keeps happening and I gotta keep going. One of my things is I make myself go, make myself have at least one stable thing that's not fucked up. So, here I am in the parking lot early rather than sitting at home, spiraling. Five more twelve hour shifts and not enough sleep before I am off so I won't have to deal with thinking for a while. That's nice. Easy enough to coast through the rut of work and not think... The edge will be off by then probably.

I have to pee. Not because I've over hydrated in anticipation of it being hot as balls at work but because I've drank probably a pot of coffee this morning. Not a great idea. I'll have worse ones I'm sure. If that's my worst I'm doing okay, honestly.

Take care of yourself.