So, these two ladies came in and were looking at romantic gift ideas. They were very stereotypical KD Lang fans so I decided to have some fun.
"Good morning! Is there anything I can help you ladies find today?"
"No, we're just looking."
"Maybe a little something for your boyfriends? Just let me know."
They looked at each other and then at me. "We don't have boyfriends," the short-cropped brown-haired one said. The temperature in the room dropped significantly. Bingo! My guess had been right.
"Oh. You could though. A little make-up, quit wearing your brother's pants. You'd probably pretty right up."
"WHAT?" Her eyes were huge. She actually stepped back half a step. Her friend stepped forward a bit, her arms going into "make me appear larger so I can intimidate the person I'm about to beat to death" mode.
"I'm just saying, tom boys are good and all, and guys like to hang out with tom boys, but they like to date ladies a little more softer is all." I went behind the counter quickly so I would be harder to reach. The entire time I have a big dumb smile on my face like Woody from Cheers.
"We don't want boyfriends. We're lesbians."
"OH! Like that show Sister-Wives or whatever where you're both married to the same man! That's cool."
"They're not lesbians they're polygamists." The brown-haired one said.
"No. I'm pretty sure they're white. They're from Utah. I think everybody in Utah is white It's like Iowa." It's important to mention here that the one that wants to beat me to death at this point is African-American and the lady with the short-cropped brown hair is white.
"Dude. Don't be stupid. We're lesbians. We dig chicks. We're into each other. Not guys."
"OH! You're in college then!"
"College?" The one who is torn between figuring me out and tearing me apart asks.
"Yeah. On TV all the women go through this phase where they like girls instead of boys."
"Wow. I thought it was a 2 year college. Your parents must be ready for you to finish so you will graduate, settle down, and start a family."
"We aren't in college. We have jobs. We work. We don't need our parent's approval." That was the brown-haired one. Evidently she's starting to run out of patience.
I backed up with my hands up and out, "Whoa... somebody's got Daddy issues! Sorry! But seriously, y'all aren't getting any younger and the ole baby-maker is gonna dry up if you don't get to it."
"Lesbian, like gay, jackass." The one who wanted to beat me up said.
I laughed loudly throwing my head back and laughing from my gut. "You can't be gay. You're a chick. See, another word for gay is..." I paused as if trying to find a way to say it delicately, "peter-puffer. And since that's what chicks are supposed to do anyway that's cool. It doesn't make you gay. Now, if you were a dude wanting to do that well... that'd be gay as hell."
"What we're supposed to do?" The brown-haired lady asked. Menace dripped from the word supposed. At this point I was pretty sure I was going to get hurt. But! In for a dime, in for a dollar I always say!
"Well, once you're married, sure. To your husband I mean, not just to any guy out there. That'd be whorish and trashy. Marriage is very important for a man and a woman. I mean, it ain't gonna puff itself!"
I let them get to the door and followed them from a safe distance, as they climbed into their vehicle I yelled after them, waving, "Nice truck!"
OK. None of that really happened anywhere except inside my head as the two ladies browsed the store, occasionally glancing at me trying to figure out why I was grinning like an idiot. I think the line that almost caused me to burst out laughing out loud was, "No, I think they're white" as an answer to polygamist.