It's been a year...

A year ago I lost my job of almost 20 years.

I'm at a new job now and while the pay is substantially less it's a good job and I like the people I work with. But the income change was a really big deal. A really big deal.

I had/have bills I got and debts I took on when I made quite a bit more than I make now and while I took care of a lot of them it wasn't all of them and the stress of trying to keep them all current has really gotten to me. I don't handle money stress well. And, sadly, while I was good at not wasting money I need help. I've got to prioritize bills, something I never had to do before. It wasn't between which bills to pay it was when I'd pay them. The ability to pay was always there before. Now, now it's not like that. Sometimes they get late and the phone rings and it's some collector who always wants all of it up front. I don't have it all and they seem unwilling to take anything less than all of it. So, I quit answering the phone. I quit thinking about it. I just waited for it to go away. Obviously that's not a good answer.

Now, if my plumbing breaks I can tell pretty quickly if it's something I can fix or not. If my car breaks I can fix some things and not fix others. In those situations I was smart enough to find someone who did it for a living who could help, and I would. Financial help, credit counselling, whatever you call it. That felt like an admission of weakness to me, like I was failing at being an adult. Like I was just a loser who lacked discipline or something. So, I  kept trying, and failing and feeling shitty about myself.

Enough was enough last night and I went to a website for a credit helper type and gave them my information. This morning they called and we set up an appointment. I nee to gather a bunch of information between now and next week but I have taken a step in the right direction. I have called someone who is better at this than I am. The BBB says good things about them. I've talked to someone who has used their services and was happy with them. I feel like I've taken a step in the right direction instead of just hoping I win the lottery. That's not working out so well so far as a solution.

So, even though I'm financially no better off than I was before the call I feel like I've done something, taken some sort of control of a situation that feels overwhelming to me, and that helps. After the appointment I hope to feel even better. As it stands now though, I've swallowed my pride, I think that's what it is/was, and asked for help. That's hard for me. Hopefully it all works out. It feels less impossible now so that's something.