Saturday, September 16, 2017

It was a good day...

Soldier Creek Winery vineyard
Some days lately I don't do much. I don't mean I don't do much productive. I mean I don't do much period. I'm going off of an anti-depressant and one of the side effects is I'm tired all the time. Another is that I'm irritable sometimes and another is that I get paranoid sometimes. Now, all those things sound manageable when I know they're about to happen... and to someone who's never experienced it, it sounds pretty minor. And, really, considering the lists of side-effects some people go through, they really are minor. It's only really troublesome when I don't recognize that it's unreasonable. It seems like it would be something you'd notice right away, but that's the funny thing about the brain... it's pretty good at believing what it perceives is real actually IS real. And most of the time, for most people that's true. But sometimes when it gets confused it's not helpful. And then getting a confused mind to convince itself that it's confused so it can relax and stop panicking or wanting to throw something heavy across the room is harder than you'd think. But, I manage. It'll go away soon... pretty sure anyway.

New coasters from a vendor at the winery.
When you go from one stop light to the next and notice the car behind you is STILL behind you and a fight or flight response kicks in because you're now convinced they're following you and mean you harm, complete with shallow breathing and trying to figure out a plan because somehow my response to fear is anger so I go from momentarily frightened to furious... it's really exciting. Now, mostly I'm able to catch myself and point out that I'm being irrational and this is, in fact, simply my brain juices sloshing around wildly as things get back to normal... mostly. I'm tapering off them, but it's sort of a big taper and that's okay. Once things settle down at the new lower dose I'll evaluate if I should go down again or just stay there for a while. I would like to know if they're working; if I need them or not anymore. But it's hard to tell if I don't go off them, you know? I think I'm better, which the doctor tells me means they're working... or I'm better. Which is it? Hard to tell lol. I'll figure it out. No worries. Oh, and if anybody reads the list and sees suicide as one of them, well, it is, but knowing that is a thing there are currently no guns in the house. I'm not a complete idiot... also, less likely to shoot the mailman delivering a package this way too. Can't trust my brain right now. It lies to me and I believe it.

Chicago dog, music by some buddies and grape stomping
But while it's happening it's really real... like the kind of real in a dream where you know it's a dream but you still have to get away from that THING that's just behind you in the dark that you can hear but you can't see? You know you're dreaming but you can't stop yourself. You feel the terror, the fear, the panic. Well, that's what this is like sometimes. I don't get it as much when I don't go out so I stay home and play video games or sleep. Or I work... a lot. I've worked 7 of the past 8 days. That's a lot of 12 hours shifts lol.

Today though, I went to bed about 7AM (I'm on nights and got off work at 6AM) Woke up about 11AM, showered, coffeed up, and went to Soldier Creek Winery here in town where they were having a grape stomping thing with vendors, live music, and many people, several of whom I knew. I felt like a social butterfly as I was greeted repeatedly by people who seemed glad to see me. :) It was nice. But, after a couple hours of that, it was time to go. Oh, I ate food there too. I had a Chicago dog and a bratwurst with spicy mustard. Both were delicious.

Apple Dumping & ice cream
So, I went to the Community Apple Orchard and got an apple dumpling with cinnamon ice cream and a root beer in a glass bottle with real cane sugar, not high fructose corn syrup. It was all delicious.

I followed that up with getting my laundry and bedding done, browsed the bookstore and left with two magazines, got a quick half-hour massage, shopped for food to try some new recipes and here we are. All in all, it was a good day and I like those. Now, if only I could get some sleep... not yet though. I don't want to mess up my sleep schedule.

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