Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Wait. You mean I've gotten old? When did that happen?

Watching #DoctorWho and as luck would have it this was the one on BBCAmerica tonight so I watched it even though it's an old one. It's one of my favorite and he's my favorite Doctor. Although Rory & Amy's love story is my favorite story arc of all. 

So, this isn't all that Doctor Who related but it's sort of Time-related, yeah? Yeah.

I realized last week and when I say this you're going to think I've lost my mind, or maybe you won't. I imagine it'll depend on how old you are. Me? I'm forty-eight. This past week I realized, and I'm not sure what prompted it, that, let me start over. I've always assumed I'd have a kid. I'm not sure why or when, but I sort of felt like at some point I'd be a dad and there'd be a kid and school and field trip notes and teaching to drive and having them go through a phase where I'm an idiot and hopefully they'd grow out of it and think I was a pretty okay person. 

I don't know why I thought that and I didn't realize until last week just how strongly I felt like that was something that was going to happen. And last week I realized if I found a person right now who said, "Put a baby in me you big hunka man," and got started right then and there I'd be um... 66 when they graduated. Um, sixty-six? What the hell? Also, what woman of safe & sane baby-making age is going to look at an almost fifty-year-old man and say, "We should totally get sweaty and roll around on the ground together and exchange fluid and mingle our DNA into some sort of unholy abomination of a baby." I can answer that, no sane woman. 

So, last week I realized I wasn't going to be a dad because when I wasn't paying attention I got too old. Before you say anything about movie stars doing it etc. I'm not a movie star. I make cat food cans. Hell, that is a bit glorified. I stack the cat food can ends (You'd call them "lids" but you're wrong, trust me, I'm old I know these things) on pallets.  I don't actually FEEL old. I feel about thirty or so. I really didn't notice that I'd entered softly and silently into an age beyond which being a kid's dad was contraindicated. 

That was kind of a depressing blow.

Then, also this week, I got an e-mail fro my parents saying my Dad had health issues that are of the older person variety. Very carefully NOT saying he's old in case he reads this. But me being old means he's probably a bit oldish as well. Anyway, so, suddenly, without my paying any attention at all I've come face to face with my own mortality and I don't like it one bit. So, I thought I'd watch some good old fashioned escapist TV and turned on some Doctor Who. What should happen? Turns out it's one of my top two favorite episodes ever... also one in which The Doctor dies. Of course it is. But dangit... it's got Wilfred in it and I love that crusty old man. Like seriously. I know it's irrational, but at my age, I'm prone to irrationality. I should point out I've been saying that for years, decades now apparently.

Anyway. The past week has been a little bit rubbish, can you tell I've been watching British TV? Yeah. I have, and I like it a lot. I don't like the past week much though. No, I don't like it at all. So, if you see me looking off into space a bit wistfully I'm probably thinking about all the things I didn't do with my non-existent kid. Don't sweat it. The mood will pass. I'm not even really that sad about it anymore, just surprised that I got this old this fast without noticing. It seems like something you'd notice, doesn't it?
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