Don't quit

I'm a big Survivor fan. I like the idea of 40 days off work, on an island, no cell phone, no Internet, just me, a beach, and a bunch of people who want to kill me. Sounds so relaxing, doesn't it?

But the thing is, doesn't matter if you saw this season or not, I'm behind a day because of work. Eric, when asked what kept him going when he could quit, said it was his kids. How could he tell his kids they can't quit if he quit. He had to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Not quitting is a big deal to me. I'm not sure when it became a thing, but there have been times, not that long ago, some a while back, and some chronic over years, where the only thing to do was keep going and keep working towards a goal. Even if there was very little hope of success. Sometimes it's not about hope. Sometimes it's about putting in the work and not stopping.

Not all the time... sometimes the odds are terrifically stacked against you and it seems like everybody wants you to fail and the task is too hard. Without getting too personal/specific, sometimes it seems all there is is work, a mountain of NO to climb, and a world aligned against you and all that's left is standing on the beach as the tide comes in and screaming into the teeth of the storm but not moving, not backing down and not giving up.

Work right now is a trial. The press isn't working right. I don't know why. I was FINALLY working fine... and then we changed shells and now it's dead. It's fixable. I just have to find that thing, that one thing that isn't right and make it right. It's exhausting. It's tiring. It's frustrating.

But, Eric's speech, this all started with a Survivor guy, remember lol, about not being able to quit because that wasn't the lesson he wanted to teach. That's a real thing and it resonated with me and it wasn't about being able to do it... it wasn't about winning or beating anything or succeeding it is/was about never giving up. You lose all the battles you don't fight, but at least you fought.

Last week at work someone complimented me. They saw me working on the press again. I saw them looking at me shaking their head and I smiled and waved, I'm a friendly S.O.B., and he came over and he said, "You have a lot of try in you buddy. A lotta try."

That's a big compliment to me. I've never heard that expression before. I liked it applied to me. I'm glad someone noticed.

Don't give up. Don't quit.

Wait. You mean I've gotten old? When did that happen?

Watching #DoctorWho and as luck would have it this was the one on BBCAmerica tonight so I watched it even though it's an old one. It's one of my favorite and he's my favorite Doctor. Although Rory & Amy's love story is my favorite story arc of all. 

So, this isn't all that Doctor Who related but it's sort of Time-related, yeah? Yeah.

I realized last week and when I say this you're going to think I've lost my mind, or maybe you won't. I imagine it'll depend on how old you are. Me? I'm forty-eight. This past week I realized, and I'm not sure what prompted it, that, let me start over. I've always assumed I'd have a kid. I'm not sure why or when, but I sort of felt like at some point I'd be a dad and there'd be a kid and school and field trip notes and teaching to drive and having them go through a phase where I'm an idiot and hopefully they'd grow out of it and think I was a pretty okay person. 

I don't know why I thought that and I didn't realize until last week just how strongly I felt like that was something that was going to happen. And last week I realized if I found a person right now who said, "Put a baby in me you big hunka man," and got started right then and there I'd be um... 66 when they graduated. Um, sixty-six? What the hell? Also, what woman of safe & sane baby-making age is going to look at an almost fifty-year-old man and say, "We should totally get sweaty and roll around on the ground together and exchange fluid and mingle our DNA into some sort of unholy abomination of a baby." I can answer that, no sane woman. 

So, last week I realized I wasn't going to be a dad because when I wasn't paying attention I got too old. Before you say anything about movie stars doing it etc. I'm not a movie star. I make cat food cans. Hell, that is a bit glorified. I stack the cat food can ends (You'd call them "lids" but you're wrong, trust me, I'm old I know these things) on pallets.  I don't actually FEEL old. I feel about thirty or so. I really didn't notice that I'd entered softly and silently into an age beyond which being a kid's dad was contraindicated. 

That was kind of a depressing blow.

Then, also this week, I got an e-mail fro my parents saying my Dad had health issues that are of the older person variety. Very carefully NOT saying he's old in case he reads this. But me being old means he's probably a bit oldish as well. Anyway, so, suddenly, without my paying any attention at all I've come face to face with my own mortality and I don't like it one bit. So, I thought I'd watch some good old fashioned escapist TV and turned on some Doctor Who. What should happen? Turns out it's one of my top two favorite episodes ever... also one in which The Doctor dies. Of course it is. But dangit... it's got Wilfred in it and I love that crusty old man. Like seriously. I know it's irrational, but at my age, I'm prone to irrationality. I should point out I've been saying that for years, decades now apparently.

Anyway. The past week has been a little bit rubbish, can you tell I've been watching British TV? Yeah. I have, and I like it a lot. I don't like the past week much though. No, I don't like it at all. So, if you see me looking off into space a bit wistfully I'm probably thinking about all the things I didn't do with my non-existent kid. Don't sweat it. The mood will pass. I'm not even really that sad about it anymore, just surprised that I got this old this fast without noticing. It seems like something you'd notice, doesn't it?