Book Review: A Prince of a Man (The London Boys Book 1)

 

A Prince of a Man by Carter Christensen is the first in a series of four books called, "The London Boys." I've never read any of Christensen's books before, but have read an alarming amount of mm erotica, male/male erotica. Think romance, with men and men and the steamy kind of romance that they talk about in health class being thrown in there. 

Firstly: When I say "steamy bits" I want to be perfectly clear here, I'm saying steamy bits, but what I mean is man-on-man sex. Don't go off and buy it then be surprised. It's not hinted at or off-camera. It's right there, on the page. 

10,000 foot view of it? I enjoyed it. I liked the characters and the setting. I liked it in the way that if you removed the steamy bits and replaced them with "yada yada yada" I'd still have enjoyed it. The book's more than just sexy bits connected by a gossamer thread of story. 

I said I liked the characters, and I did, I do. The thing is, I read it in bits, 10 minutes here or there on work breaks, etc. And sometimes I lost track of who was who. This may be my fault or it may be that they weren't quite distinct enough from each other on the page.  There's no way for me to know. It wasn't problematic. Yes, I know the chapter headings would start with the character's name. I'd forget which one Harry was though. Some of that was it jumped around a lot, from England to America & Australia picking up a character, dropping one, and back to England with years between the bits... It wasn't confusing I think if I'd read it in bigger chunks. But when I put the book down and there were two people in the US and two people in Australia, then pick it up the day later, turn the page, and everybody's back in England and time has passed. I was... again, probably just me.

I had a thought while I was thinking about it today on the way to the post office. One of the characters I felt was well developed and talked about, sort of. I mean, they were fleshed-out supporting characters, but they were fleshed out well in two dimensions. They weren't as important as the mains, obviously, but they were more important than other supporting characters, and then they just vanished. I described them not as characters, but as cars, vehicles to get the main character from where he was to where he needed to be then the supporting character broke down, wait, now, mixed metaphor. The car broke down, the supporting character noped out of there and was just gone. We got invested, then POOF. Gone.

I said the the person in the car with me, "Either, he wrote himself into a corner and didn't know how to get out of it with them or they're going to show up again, but there's not enough book for them to show up again so maybe they're in the other books?"

I looked today before writing this, at the descriptions of the subsequent books and they are indeed the mains in the next books. Now it doesn't feel quite so weirdly ham-handed but still feels a little... jarring I think. If they'd faded into the background or we'd been a part of their leaving, or I dunno. It just felt super abrupt. One minute they're important and the next minute they're just gone.

Listen, if that's all I have to quibble about is the way a supporting character leaves the stage, then it's pretty good. I'm quite happy with the main characters and how they're written. I'm happy with the dialogue. I'm happy with the level of angst. I'm happy that SO far there hasn't been the trope of if they'd just TALK to each other they'd know instead of mind-reading and getting it wrong. Those angsty books bug me after a while. Sure, once in a while is fine, but we're the most connected we've ever been in the history of ever. The only reason someone doesn't know how someone feels or what they think is because they don't want to. It's so easy to just ASK now. You'd be amazed (maybe you wouldn't) how often the hand-wringing and "oh I just don't know what he thinks/wants/feels" turns up as the main driving force of a book. Lazy writing. So far I haven't seen it in here.

Would I suggest A Prince of a Man (The London Boys Book 1)? Definitely. I would also suggest reading it in bigger chunks than ten minutes at a time during breaks at work. It's not a one-room cozy mystery. The writer doesn't limit himself. He's got the whole world to draw on and he uses it. That's going to require we, the readers, not be lazy in our reading. We need to pay attention. 

Mask reviews (It's about face masks so... do with that info what you will)

Masks... They're contentious, and weirdly, to me, a political hot-button that I'm not interested in engaging with you in whether they're necessary or helpful or not. If you don't like masks. Fine. Why are you here? The title was pretty clear on what this was about. There's a whole Internet out there.

If you DO like the idea of a mask and reducing the transmission of contagious airborne diseases, well maybe this info will be helpful.

I ordered cloth face masks from three different companies to see which I liked better. I'll name them here, picture the mask I got from them, the price, and how long it took me to get it along with my opinion about the masks themselves as far as comfort, durability, and wearability. Again, not engaging on the subject of disease control further than to tell you about the materials used and how many layers there were.

My first masks I ordered were from GhostCircus Apparel.

I ordered two of them, a black one and a white one. Right out of the gate I'm going to say they were comfortable the minute I put them on. The material breathed well and my face didn't get too hot. I work in a factory and it's warm in there. They DO fog up my glasses though. You can see they're big enough to cover my mouth and nose. I can chew gum while wearing them without pulling the mask down until my nose pokes out over the top. The cloth straps were comfortable and sized right for my head/face. I could wear them all night without my ears hurting or being pulled forward do I looked like Yoda. These are dual-layered masks with a cotton blend for inside and outside and they wash well and hang dry quickly. I wash them after work and they're dry the next day when I put them on again. (UPDATE: I see from their site they now have masks with wires in them.)

• I ordered these May 12th and received them May 18th. 6 days, under a week. I can live with that. Amazon Prime isn't shipping that fast for me most of the time lately.
• Total cost of order plus shipping was $37.31 which comes to $18.65/mask.

The second company I got masks from was Electric Styles. 

These had a metal piece that was helpful for keeping my glasses from fogging up. When I would breathe the air would go past my ears through the sides rather than up my face into my glasses. This came with a pocket inside as well for a disposable charcoal filter that's good for 8 hours. My shifts are 12 hours so I didn't use them.  These were also double layered masks, I guess triple where the filter pocket is. The material on the outside layer is sort of shiny synthetic. Someone at work said it looked like I was wearing panties on my face. This was the hottest of the three masks because the material definitely didn't breathe as well and my face was overly warm and sweaty all night. But my glasses didn't fog up. I REALLY liked that part.  The nose piece thing was applied with a sticky glue-like backing on the metal and it came with three of them. I don't think they'd survive a wash and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to keep buying them. The mask came with three metal strips that you could use, but once you do they're done, and three of the charcoal filters I didn't use. Breathing in the air seemed to come IN through the mask itself, but breathing out I could definitely feel it was going past my ears. Do with that information what you will. Since I work in a factory and they don't like us having jewelry or bits that can fall off us I only wore this one to work the one time. If it'd been hotter or more humid I'm not sure if the metal piece wouldn't have fallen off.

• I ordered this May 18th and received them May 23rd. So, 5 days, quicker than the first company.
• Total cost of order plus shipping was $22.95 which comes to $22.95/mask. 

Lastly were Daisy Masks.

These were triple-layered masks which was nice. I wondered how well I'd be able to breathe through them. As you can see from the pictures, they're smaller, significantly smaller than the other two mask companies, and that was telling right away. First they pulled my ears forward. You can see that somewhat in the picture on the left with the black and gray mask. These LOOKED the best. I mean, as far as variety goes? Daisy has a HUGE variety of looks and styles and I hoped to like these the most because they were also comparatively inexpensive. But they just didn't fit me. The straps were too small and when I tried to stretch them a little, seriously, JUST a little would've made them tolerable, the material made a tearing sound and was sort of frayed, unraveled in the middle. If you have a tiny head these are fine. But it's not just the ears. See where it hits my chin? When I would talk, or chew gum the mask would pull itself down my face until my nose was out. Because it was so short it rode low on my giant nose after just a few minutes of having it on and then I was just breathing around it and not through it at all. Sadly, this triple-layered mask, with cotton inside, against the face, layer, and attractive and huge variety of outside materials that weren't QUITE as shiny and "panties" looking as the one from Electric Styles, just didn't work for me in any way. I wouldn't wear it just to pop into a store and out again because it wasn't comfortable and wouldn't perform as a mask for me. It'd be uncomfortable ornamentation and that's too bad because they really do have some nice looks. I just wish they were more effective.

• I ordered these May 18th and received them May 29th. 11 Days. Longest of the lot. 
• Total cost of order plus shipping was $24.99 which comes to $12.50/mask.

Summary:

I loved the masks from GhostCircus Apparel and have already ordered more. I have some coming with the wire for the nose. This mask is super comfortable. I wear it for my entire 12-hour shift in a factory setting without complaint and while they're warmer than no mask would be, they're not so hot as to bother me. They allow me to talk and/or chew gum without moving around on my face, and they clean easily to be worn again and again. If you're in the market for a reusable, comfortable, cloth face mask the ones from Ghost Circus are the best I've found. I'm not getting paid to say this or anything. I just genuinely love the masks, the cost is a little high, but these aren't disposable. I've worn mine a LOT and they're still in good shape even after daily washings. 

Food Review: Chirps Chips

A friend of mine found Chirps - chips made with cricket flour and I, of course, had to try them. I'd tried cricket flour already on fried chicken and hadn't liked that very much... too much cricket flour compared the other flour I'd mixed it with. The cricket taste was too strong in the flour so I thought I'd try the chips.

I ordered a variety pack from Amazon (that's an affiliate link where if you buy something following it then I get a little change in my pocket). It came with a bag of the sriracha flavored chips and two bags of cheddar cheese ones. I ate the cheese ones first.

I was surprised at the number of carbs in the chips. A single bag was 70 net carbs (That's 80g of carbs less 10g of fiber.) and somehow I thought it would be lower... especially after tasting them.

The cheese ones aren't fantastic. There's not a lot of cheese flavor, or salt... it doesn't taste like the cricket flour did. It tastes more like a chip made from some exotic grain than corn... like chia or spelt or buckwheat or something... without the sweet overtones, those would have.

It's not bad really, just sort of bland and dry. The cheese flavor, like I said, is more an aromatic flavor than an actual taste. If you were expecting something like the cheesy goodness of Ruffles you'd be let down. If you expected the cheesy goodness of say... oatmeal without the water or sugar or milk or butter or any processing at all... they're about that cheesy. I can't recommend them. They're not bad so much as they're nothing.

I *want* to like crickets in food. I really do. I look forward to the time when we have a protein source that's eco-friendly and also delicious. If we're going to go to space on any sort of long-distance trips we're going to need one. Crickets would be good for that... but going to Mars on a diet of crickets right now would be a bad tasting proposition. I'd still do it, but I would doubtless lose weight for reasons other than lower gravity.

I'll try the sriracha ones later tonight while watching Zombie Tidal Wave on SyFy.

Review: Alpha Defense Gear Jacket

After the complete crapstorm that was geek hoodies, no link provided because I can't find a single person who has had a good experience with them and find SCORES of complaints about substandard product shipped months late, I was hesitant to buy clothes online again. I like to hold clothes in my hands, look at the seams, look at the quality, make sure I'm not buying some piece of crap that takes 71 days to get to me. (Can you tell GeekHoodies left a sour taste in my mouth? I really can't say enough bad things about the experience I had with them.)

But I saw Alpha Defense Gear and thought I'd give them a try. This time I looked at reviews and they were good. What I was looking at was the Alpha Defense Poly-Tech Soft Shell Jacket but I didn't want to jump into an eighty dollar jacket without seeing the quality and speed of their products. So, I did a test order of some face shields. They arrived in about a week and are really nice... REALLY nice. So, while I thought about it I got a coupon for a Jacket, a t-shirt, some face shields, and a baseball cap for less than the cost of the jacket. Well, I bought it and crossed my fingers.

I needn't have worried. It arrived in about a week. The build quality was outstanding. Today was nice out, 49F and 11mph winds so I went for a walk with the new jacket and it was great. It blocked the wind and kept me super warm. Keeping the wind off me was a big help. Now, it's not a jacket that "breathes" so don't wear it running. Jackets that breathe, and I have one, are great if it's not windy. Wind cuts right through those breathing jackets. This jacket is a wind stopper. A brisk walk, really brisk walk, a jog to some people, had me warm and the jacket kept the wind off me perfectly. I could zip & unzip it to moderate the temperature and I was really happy with it.

The zippers and zipper pulls seem well made and are stylish as well. You can't go wrong with this company or this Alpha Defense Poly-Tech Soft Shell Jacket. Huge fan.

Review: Geekhoodies

I recently ordered a hoodie from an ad I saw on Facebook. They looked cool and I needed a hoodie. My classic gray was getting threadbare and I thought something a little more stylish would be okay and the price wasn't bad with the promotional price they offered on their Facebook ad.

I ordered one based on Assassins Creed on November 10th, 2016. Why am I including the year? Well, that becomes important.

It took a while, but on November 24th, two weeks later, I got an e-mail saying it had shipped... from China. Well shit.

Finally! I'd hoped to have it during sweatshirt season in Iowa and that was rapidly coming to an end as real coat weather arrived.

And then I waited.

And waited.

And waited. You've heard the expression something was coming "on a slow boat from China?" Well, that's more than a saying. It's a real thing.

January 20th, 2017 -- 71 days after I ordered it the hoodie arrived. The size was right. Sadly the material was stained/damaged/discolored in several spots, faded like it'd rubbed against something bleachy while folded?

So, if you're wandering around on a site and see an ad from geekhoodies you may have better luck than I did, but I got a badly made product over two months after I ordered it. I can't recommend them. I didn't contact them to see about having them fix this because, quite frankly, by the time a replacement arrived even if I could find someone in China who was willing to address the problem, it would be after sweat shirt season was over and the whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth. So, it went from mailbox to house to take a picture of it and then to the dumpster. If you're feeling like throwing away twenty bucks do it on something like delicious tacos.

Review: Grip6's web belt and buckle

I have bought two things through Facebook ads. One, a hoodie, was over a month ago, well over, and it's still not here from China. I may never see it. I couldn't be less happy with that company.

The second item was a web belt from https://grip6.com. I wore my first web belt in the US Navy and fell in love with them. When I saw the Facebook ad show up, doubtless as a creepy result of Facebook cookies noticing I'd been recently searching for web belts, I liked the look of the buckle on the grip6 belt. It had no moving parts.

The price was right and I was willing to try a Facebook ad again. This product is made in the USA and it arrived in about a week. Christmas was in there messing with mail times and it still arrived quickly.

It's a fantastic belt and the buckle, a curved piece of metal with two slots in it, is nice looking, sturdy, and sits flush against my pants so I don't get that weird belt buckle bump if my shirt isn't tucked in.

It looks great and is an excellent product. I initially thought the webbing too thin because it's thinner than what I was used to in the Navy buy it works fine and it being thinner means the belt isn't bulky looking/feeling at all.

I'm ordering another of these. I can't say enough good things about the quality, speed, and price. They are all outstanding.

Writing in color & S.A. Hunt

I've been rolling this post around in my head for days because I'm not sure how to say it properly. I've decided to just say it because I think it needs saying.

I'm reading Malus Domestica by S.A. Hunt and really enjoying it. According to my kindle I'm exactly halfway through it. It's a horror novel, it says so right on the cover. It's reminiscent of early Stephen King to me... along the lines of say, Pet Semetary. It's not the same kind of scary, yet. But it's building nicely. I'm really enjoying it.

While I'd always assumed that Malus Domestica meant something along the lines of Ordinary Evil or Evil in the Home or something like that I was quite wrong... humorously wrong in fact. In fact it means Orchard Apple. I'm not even kidding. The Mal in Malus isn't bad at all! Apples are about as pure and wholesome as... well... as apple pie! What could be wrong with an apple? Nothing! (Please don't ask Snow White how she feels about apples. Her opinion is biased by the lone interaction with a witch and an apple. How often could that POSSIBLY come up?)

I'm not here to talk about apples though. I'm here to talk about reading. I've been reading for years, over 40 years and I read several different ways. I read for entertainment. I read to learn new things. I read as a writer to see what I like and don't like in a story. That's part of what I'm going to talk about here. First some background about me.

See that? That's me according to my DNA. What do those places have in common? White. I'm incredibly white. If I'm not careful on a sunny day you can see straight through my skin to the muscles underneath.

Why does this matter? Because I read a lot of books. I read a lot of science fiction, fantasy, urban fantasy, and adventure fiction, a LOT. Those books are primarily written by white guys for white guys and tend to be populated, oddly enough, by more white guys. Even fantasy settings. Elves? Check. Dwarves? Check. Owl headed monsters leaping from closets? Well, sometimes. White people? Oh hell yeah! They're like EVERYWHERE! Just relax gentle reader. As foreign as these fantasy and science fiction worlds may be you may rest assured you will always feel at home as a 99% white guy because everywhere you look will be tons of other people JUST LIKE YOU!

As a white reader I don't even notice. Honestly. I don't. I don't pay any attention. The default for me is "white guy protagonist." I'm not saying it to be proud of it or anything I'm just saying that's my reading world and I am mostly not even aware of it. It just happens.

So, when I pick up a book and it has a person of color in it I notice. I don't object or recoil and throw the book down but I notice. That's a recent thing and it's because I've started writing. Want to read my book? Cool. Go get it and read it. I'll wait here. But about people of color in books. Sometimes they're there to die as in the "black guy dies first" trope. Sometimes they're the "magic negro." Sometimes they're sort of a side character we don't really get to know but the author wanted to be inclusive and diverse so (s)he made sure to have a non-white person in there. A lot of times diversity for the sake of diversity, in books, doesn't work. Either the writer doesn't know what they're doing, or they're trying too hard, or sometimes it's just a weird sort of "I don't know anybody who is from India so I'll make them like Raj from Big Bang Theory" kind of thing going on. It's jarring.

Which is what made me nervous when I saw that S.A. Hunt had included multiple races and was using not just a token person from each race he wanted to include, but actually had a black father & son as main characters. There's a "Juan" whose country of origin I don't know so won't guess, but i'm pretty sure I know. There's women all over the place, well written ones too. That's another thing, sometimes men write women badly.

I'm happy to say S. A. Hunt writes both really well. I was afraid he was going to botch it or get preachy with things or go too far but he didn't. He's hit exactly the right tone. Now, I'm saying this as white guy. You've seen my DNA so you know. But my point is. Here, here's an example. The point of view character here is a young black boy. Something S.A. Hunt is not, according to his author profile on amazon at least. But he handles the casual day-to-day racism that I KNOW really exists because I see it. And he doesn't go into what's going on in the boy's head as a result. He doesn't try to guess is he hurt, resentful, angry, what? He puts it there and moves on. Because that's what life is like on the daily for people of color.

Racism is bad. We can all agree on that. And when someone says "racist" or "racism" I think lynch mobs. I think throwing people out of a diner or off a bus. But that's not all there is to it. There's this here. There's the ignoring them unless forced not to. That's a big deal. It's a daily, constant, "You don't matter" that they deal with and it never goes away. How would that feel to be treated like that day after day after day? What would that do? Here's a thought experiment. Ignore your kid for say, a week. Like unless they demand your attention don't pay them any at all... you're already thinking, "WTF is wrong with you Rich?" Exactly. That's exactly my point and it's exactly what happens and it's insidious.

In another place in the book there's a group of white people discussing the new neighbors and one of them casually drops the N-word. Nobody blinks they just go on as if he'd said "cabbages are green." Why? Because it was just them. Nobody was hurt by it... It happens all the time. It's casual. It's made okay because nobody else heard it. It's there. I see both of these things constantly in real life.

S.A. Hunt has written a really enjoyable book that is a supernatural horror thriller that has characters in it I really enjoy and like. I didn't mention the handicapped man who doesn't define himself by his handicap... mainly because I strongly suspect he'd take his leg off and beat me with it then put it back on and walk off. I didn't mention him because it's not WHO he is. He's not a HANDICAPPED man. The other characters aren't a BLACK family. They are not defined by their adjective as so many authors do. There's a man who has a prosthetic leg. There's a family that is also black.

So, what I'm saying is if you're writing, include some "other" in there. Something besides white men or white folks. And if you're wondering how? Do it like S.A. Hunt does because he does it really well, and does the interactions between them really well. I can't say enough good things about it.

Without being a screed or preachy manifesto it's made me think and that's what good fiction does. This is really good fiction.

Book Review: Earth Alone by Daniel Arenson

Earth Alone by Daniel Arenson was... you know, I don't know HOW I found it. I suspect it was on promo or something in some mailing list of discounted books or something. I'd never heard of Daniel Arenson before which is odd because he's written a LOT of books, and they're the kind I like. But somehow I kept not reading him.

Until now.

Earth Alone is the first in a series, maybe a trilogy. I should have looked before reviewing I guess but I just finished reading it and was excited to come tell you about it. Oops. I just broke the fourth wall. Please excuse me. I'm excited.

Earth Alone is military science-fiction if you had to shelve it that's where you'd put it. You'd be limiting the readership too much though. Listen. I know all about military sci-fi. It often starts with, here's the arc:

1) Meet the protagonist & see him in normal environment/home. Nice guy. Likable. Maybe a bit artistic/sensitive.
2) MILITARY!!!
3) Bootcamp is hard, a series of examples of how hard it is and how overwhelming and "I just wanna go home, I miss... stuff."
4) Things start coming together, the company/platoon/whatever starts gelling and getting less haggard feeling.
5) Death. Someone dies. Not an important character but one that's been added in there, perhaps after the story was written because all boot camp stories need this person to die. You can literally remove them from the story and it doesn't change in any way. It just serves the purpose Coulton's Death did in The Avengers and brings the team even closer together. "We're doing this for DEAD GUY!!!"
6) Graduation. Everything's golden.
7) Off to war. OMG - it's horrible. I hate this. Thank Glob for all that training! this is what we trained for people! Our protagonist turns out to be a great leader of men but denies it and says he was just doing what had to be done.
8) Much death but remains of the troop go on to bigger things.

That happens in ALL boot camp stories. It's THE story arc and I felt like this book was doing the same thing. Hitting all the same beats as Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card - read the book, ignore the movie) Starship Troopers (Robert A. Heinlein - read the book, ignore the movie), and countless others that've gone before.

You know why it happens this way? Because it works. The death scene that is always there and that I always see coming even if I don't know who it's going to be... it's there and it is the *click*. It's the moment the hero goes from the person he was when we met him to the person he is going to be in the end. It's a transformative death, the chrysalis moment where he changes and the death is a punctuation mark, an exclamation point when done correctly, and a comma when done incorrectly (I'm looking at you Madonna's baseball movie A League of Their Own... nobody even knew who that character WAS! You knew the beat, but you did it wrong.)

This book hit all those beats, and you know it's going to. It's that kind of book. And it did it exceptionally well. To the point where I finished the last of the book (Beats 6-8 above) in Taco Johns eating their super nachos and drinking a giant tea and crying. Literally wiping my eyes with a napkin and sniffling crying as I read it. I cried from happiness and joy and sadness and pride. It was outstanding. I cried unashamedly and kept reading right there in public with a napkin in one hand as I blotted my eyes with it one at a time so I didn't have to stop reading. At one point I thought I was going to choke on my churro as I tried to swallow it and found that being "choked up with emotion" is more than a figure of speech. My throat rebelled against the idea of swallowing at that moment.

The characters are good. I liked them. There's one, a tiny girl, who has a story she tells about two times too often but, it's there to make a point so Arenson beats us over the head with it, the characters too. I get it. I went to boot camp and the mouthiness these characters had... and the punishments they were given... that part was unrealistic to me. They had quite a few more smart-assed remarks than I thought they should have. That bugged me some. But it didn't take away from how much I liked the characters, the story, or the book itself.

Listen, it's not A Tale of Two Cities, or The Stand (seriously, one of the best books ever written) but it's really really good. I read it on my kindle and on the last page when it offered to sell me the next in the series I clicked BUY NOW without a moment's hesitation. I won't read it next though. I'm wrung out. I need something lighter.

Review: Batman: The Killing Joke (movie)

 (Ignore the quality of this picture.
I took it with my cell phone to send it to a friend)

Batman: The Killing Joke was a really great graphic novel/comic and I've looked forward to the movie adaptation of it for a long time. I was thrilled to hear it'd be the voices from Batman: The Animated Series, my favorite Batman, by the way. If you're an Amazon Prime member you can watch it for free. It's included with Prime. 

I liked little things, like the TO in STORAGE blinking off and on so the sign next to Batman read "Gotham's rage." It was a nice touch, and something akin to what a frame in a comic would do. It was subtle, but it was there. That's one of the things about animated movies that I like. There aren't any accidents. Everything is drawn and done on purpose so something like this... it's intentional. I appreciate those touches. 

Just one bad scene... I liked it. I really liked parts of it. I was good with the Batgirl part right up until the scene under the gargoyle. That felt forced, but it wasn't the scene. The ambiguity at the end wasn't the one I expected from the comic, or the one I wanted. I'd spent the whole movie wondering how they'd do it and then they did it by NOT doing it. Still, I liked it and will watch it again. Probably skipping the Batgirl bits completely.

The scenes at the Fun-house were just as I remembered them, almost shot for shot (in my memory) from the source material right up until the ending... the ending was different and not what I had expected or really wanted I guess. I still have the ending from the comic in my head as the best ending and if you haven't read the comic yet watch the movie first and THEN read the comic I think in this case. There's something great about a comic. Looking at the panels and seeing the details.

Book Review: Demon Invasion by Ryan Toxopeus

I've read +Ryan Toxopeus  before and enjoyed his A Noble's Quest which I also recommend.

Demon Invasion is high fantasy with magic very much present. It almost had to be with demons as the main characters. Set in the world of his novels this novella serves as back story and world building for the main books but is on itself a good tale and interesting read.

In the 90s and 00s I played a lot of DnD (2nd edition s the best!) and read a lot of Forgotten Realms novels and Ryan's stories evoke that same feeling of escapism and wonder. I like the way he tells a story and I enjoy his characters.

If I had one quibble it isn't about the story which is absolutely fine, it's the cover. It doesn't look consistent with the others in the series and if I weren't familiar with his writing already i wouldn't have gotten it. This is a case where the cover doesn't do justice to the story inside. The cover looks kind of stock and amateurish but the writing isn't at all.

If you want a quick summer read and enjoyed Forgotten Realms type fantasy back in the day I recommend the whole series. (The last book isn't out yet.)

Start reading Demon Invasion by Ryan Toxopeus for free with the kindle app.

Review: The Flash Crossover episode of Supergirl

I don't usually review TV shows. That's not my thing but I'm a huge fan of The Flash and have been watching Supergirl and giving it a chance to see if it turns into a good show. I've been looking forward to what they would do with this cross-network cross-over for a while now. The first one to air was the Supergirl episode that had Flash going to her world. What'd I think?

(SPOILERS -- Don't read if you haven't seen it!!!)

I hated it. I hated everything about it.

Barry Allen/The Flash, by himself, showed, by his contrast, how bad the acting and writing and story are in Supergirl. He was so much better than they were that it made their bad acting look even worse. It was painful to watch.

First Scene: Supergirl: Most powerful woman on the planet is introduced to perhaps new viewers having relationship problems and getting dating advice from Ally McBeal. That's like getting dinner party advice from Mary Tyler Moore. If you get that reference you're older than I am. But seriously. "Why can't I get him to like me?" is the driving force behind almost every B story line on Supergirl since the show started. It is a SHIT way to introduce her to new viewers. Pissed off already.

Introduction of The Flash? Annoying. He's a brilliant CSI and computer guy. But, sadly, OOPS! I ran to the wrong universe. OOPS! I ran clear out to North Dakota or some shit. WTH? Really? He oopsed himself into another universe? Ugh.

New Super-villain created: A female: What's the first thing she does? She does her make-up. Then she and the supervillain she frees from the most secure super-prison in the world, how? No clue how she got there, perhaps she used the PLOT DEVICE, the two of them, our heroes, take off, with no plan at Supergirl's insistence they go to fight the two baddies...

Remember super smart CSI hacker? Well, he attacks a villain with a name like LiveWire that uses electricity as a weapon WITH electricity. Charges her up so she can kick some butt. Which she does. So, Supergirl and The Flash are knocked down and what happens next? The most sexually charged scene in the show.

• Does Supergirl use her heat vision to melt a hole in the villain's heart killing her instantly?
• Does Supergirl use her super strength to punch the villain's head off her shoulders?
• Does Supergirl use her ability to fly to whisk the villain off to outerspace and chuck her into the sun? 
• Does Supergirl use... 

You know what? No. She doesn't do ANY of that. She uses her superbreath and gives a super blowjob to the chick obviously showing The Flash what he could have. He immediately responds by showing that he's quite adept at using both hands in a repeated oscillating motion rather than succumb to super blow-job. Then they leave.

What happens next? Well, she admitted to The Flash, that she just met, that not only is she crushed that she can't get a boy to like her, the whole city doesn't like her either and in spite of being super powerful... she just doesn't know what to do and she needs a man to help her and tell her what to do. Fortunately The Flash does just that and she, of course follows his advice because she, in spite of being Supergirl, always does what a man tells her to do.

There's a scene that desperately wants to be the subway scene from Spiderman 2 that makes me cry every time I see it but is, instead, just a shitty scene that is unbelievable and badly acted. Ending with the two super villains who consistently beat the hell out of Supergirl and The Flash being beaten by some men with a hose.

That's right. They turned the hose on them and beat them. I wish to hell I was kidding. I'm not. The solution for the villains that the Fastest Man Alive and The Most Powerful Woman on the Planet couldn't beat was to get them wet.

Ugh. Kill me now.

Book Review: Far Beyond the Pale by Daren Dean

I got a review copy of +Daren Dean's new novel, Far Beyond the Pale and was pleasantly surprised. I've been given review copies before and I've wondered if the people who are giving them to me have read my other reviews before asking. I don't think I'm an overly generous reviewer. I want people to trust me if I recommend something. Enough about me. How's the book?

In this darkly comic novel Nathan "Honey Boy" Kimbrough narrates a boy's search for a father and his mother's search for a "good man" in the mid-1970s. (from Amazon.)

Far Beyond the Pale had a real Tales of a Texas Boy (by +Marva Dasef ) feel to it, which is probably a book you've never heard of but that I heartily recommend as well. Tales is available on audiobook through audible and it's worth the listen even if it's short, only a bit over two hours I think. Daren Dean's novel was in my sweet spot for nostalgia. I grew up in the seventies in the South and while this takes place in Missouri instead of Alabama (where I grew up until I was 11) it has a real Southern novel feel to it that I particularly liked and felt right at home with. 

The language is what really stands out in this book. Daren Dean's command of colloquial Southern at the time was almost lyrical to read.

Here are some of my favorite quotes. Remembering that this book is narrated from the point of view of a thirteen year old in Missouri in the seventies:

• Aunt Oleta had always been the type that if you throwed her in the river she’d float upstream 

• Vaughn knew when to disappear. He had a sixth sense about cops, and a scanner. 

• “I’ll tell you what . . .” Roy chewed on his peanuts with his front teeth. “If she gets to heaven she’ll ask to see the upstairs.” 

• Mrs. Trapp always went around with hair piled up Pentecostal style.

I loved reading it. I liked the people in it and I liked the kid's real struggle to be good in spite of not always doing good.

The cast of characters is varied and they're fleshed out enough to feel like real people. There were times when I caught myself wanting to go to the crappy little town and visit it, stop at the gas station and get some of that Doctor Prune Juice and shoot the breeze with the gas station owner... forty years since the book was supposed to have taken place and the part where it's fiction make such a trip unlikely barring my finding a TARDIS.

I've been reading a lot of books lately where the people in them are all bigger than life, great at everything with no flaws. Space Opera type Übermensch as the good guys and incredibly hollow bad guys... I haven't reviewed those. Mom said if I couldn't say something nice about someone I shouldn't say anything... the characters in this book are flawed and human. They seem to be trying with what they've got doing what they can to get by. Some with the church, and some by trying to find safety and security for themselves and their son in the arms of a man... I know people like these people in this book. Nobody's an Übermensch and nobody's perfect, but they're all trying. I like that... to be fair, Vaughn isn't trying in any kind of way anybody else likes, but he's playing the hand he was dealt and doing the only way he knows how... it's not a good way and probably won't end well for him.

If you're looking for a good summer-time read I recommend Far Beyond the Pale. 

* Interesting note: he used the word "dork" in the book and I thought that seemed like an anachronism until I looked up the etymology and saw that it was coming into common usage in the Midwest in the mid-to-late sixties and originally mean well, penis and came to mean someone who looked uncool which is exactly how it's used in the book. 

** I had a review copy (digital) and there were some editing issues that I suspect have been cleared up by now. 

Comparison: Fitbit Flex, Striiv Touch (Walgreens), and Jawbone Up Move

I've worn three different step counters for the past few weeks to compare them. Here are the results of a week's worth of data from them. I wore them when I walked, hiked, and worked (retail) I used them all to track my sleep as well, but that's not what I'm reviewing here. I'm talking about their step counting accuracy. All three are ONLY good for counting steps and I haven't tried using them in my sock or whatever for biking so I can't speak to that at all. They're pedometers, not really fitness trackers I don't care what they call themselves. And that's a gripe I have about a lot of these things. Their APPS may help track your fitness but the gadgets themselves... they're pedometers. Swimming? Nope. Biking? Nope. Weight lifting? Nope. Stop calling yourselves fitness trackers. You're not. You're hundred dollar pedometers. You're not fooling anybody with the fancy names.

The three devices are the:

$86 Fitbit Flex (amazon affiliate link) - pedometer, sleep tracker, worn on wrist, no watch
$80 Striiv Touch (Walgreens) - pedometer, sleep tracker, worn on the wrist, has a watch.
$45 Jawbone Up Move - pedometer, sleep tracker, worn on your belt or in a pocket.

They came in about as accurate as their prices would indicate (Prices are accurate as of May 30, 2015) with the most expensive, $86 being the best, the Touch was slightly less money and less accurate, and the Jawbone Up Move was MUCH less money and FAR less accurate as well. Here are the numbers I got on my test week & my test walks (how I got them is below)

	Weekly Total	Daily Avg	Avg on 700 step walk*	% accuracy
Fitbit Flex	60446	8635	686	98%
Striiv Touch	32949	4707	602	86%
Jawbone UP	26872	3839	364	52%

So... will I keep wearing all three? I'm not sure I will keep using the Up Move. I like that I can put it in my pocket because at some jobs watches aren't okay, like in a factory or any job with rotating/moving machinery. You don't want your arm ripped off in the interest of counting steps... or the band ripped off (more likely) and run through the machine. So, I like having the UP Move in my pocket, but if it's not going to count correctly why bother? Also I like the Up Move's battery. It's replaceable and not rechargeable but it lasts for WEEKS. The other two need charging, Striiv every other day and Fitbit Flex about every 5 days.

The Striiv Touch is nice because the app has a game in it where steps are used to generate energy that you use to do things like build castles or gardens or trees and such and you can build a little fantasy world so I imagine that'd be motivational if you only needed a few hundred more steps to upgrade your Tiger Garden you're more likely to do it I think. Also, it has a time feature that's nice on a wrist wearable. I hate that the Fitbit Flex doesn't do anything but show me five (or fewer) dots based on my steps. Really Fitbit? Is a clock that hard? Yes, the newer ones have them and they cost a significantly more. That seems stupid of fitbit. 

All in all they are all good at something but if you're getting one to be a pedometer that's accurate I'd go with the Fitbit Flex. It was VERY accurate. Honestly, I'd probably go with a newer fitbit that tells you what time it is, but I didn't test one of those because I don't have one so I can't really recommend something I've never used. That'd be crappy of me.

* I walked a fixed distance of 700 steps on flat ground without carrying anything in the hand wearing the bands so it was swinging like normal. The Jawbone Up Move was on my right hip the whole time on a belt using the clip it comes with. I did five laps and counted the steps each time, stopping at 700 and then taking them off and setting them on the ground while I counted them so I wouldn't get any accidental steps as I recorded results. Scientific? Nah, not really, but better than just guessing which was most accurate. I did five laps and averaged the numbers for my chart here.

Book Review: Inquisitor by R J Blain

I have no idea why I didn't read Inquisitor by R J Blain sooner. I've had it on my kindle forever and just never started it.

Once I did start it I had problems putting it down and that's a good problem to have. I really liked the characters and the story. I didn't know what was going to happen next. I didn't feel like it was reusing all the standard urban fantasy tropes and I genuinely enjoyed myself reading it.

I suspect I was paranoid about a female protagonist written by a female author. I was really burned by Twilight when those three came together, urban fantasy, female protag, female author and I was really really really hesitant to do it again but HOLY CRAP what a mistake!

If you're being stupid like I was and being afraid to read it because of that stop now. This doesn't have a pining wimpy female protagonist wandering aimlessly from hunky male secondary character to hunky male secondary character all while pining for her primary love interest who is in fact just a friend or some crap. No love triangle. No pining. All that junk from the "other" one I mentioned, completely absent here.

This is a tightly told story in an interestingly invented world that is different enough from ours to be fantastic (as in fantasy) but still recognizably our own. The world building happens throughout the book and I don't remember any huge info dumps where she got so in love with sharing her world with us that she forgets to engage us with good story, that's another thing that sometimes happens. Didn't happen. The story was faster paced and more tightly written than this review.

Don't back burner this book. It's a mistake to do so. Go get it now: Inquisitor by R J Blain.

Over on goodreads I gave this book 4 stars. I haven't given very many books 5 stars so 4 stars is pretty good. I give a LOT of books 3 stars. That means I liked it. 4 stars is significantly better than liked it and five stars... well, that means I don't think it can be done any better at all by anyone. Don't be hating that I don't just throw out five star reviews. I know that's the norm any more but I don't do it. If you've read my book and not yet reviewed it feel free to do so now. :) I'd really appreciate it and I'd take a four star review as a HUGE compliment and would be very happy with a three star even.

Restaurant Review: Smokeworx or "Why restaurants should have desserts"

Smokeworx is the newest restaurant to open in Ft. Dodge. It's a St. Louis style bar-b-que restaurant that opened a couple weeks ago. I'm hesitant to go to a restaurant their first month of opening as I prefer them to practice on other people and then I'll go after they've worked out the kinks. I really love Bar-B-Que though. I lived in Memphis for two years and loved the BBQ there. I worked in Texas for several years and ate really good BBQ there as well. Some of the best brisket I've ever eaten was from a roadside stand outside of Terrell, Texas. I worked for a while in St. Louis and ate that BBQ as well with gusto. I am a fan of BBQ.

As we walked into the restaurant one thing struck me immediately. This was a restaurant but of a "certain type." You ordered at the counter, paid at the counter, viewing the small menu on a monitor behind the cashier, and then sat down to wait for your food. I also noticed a lack of desserts. This becomes important later.

When we sat down in booths that still looked like Long John Silvers booths (The building was a Long John Silver's last summer, and had been for decades) we commented on the similarity to the previous restaurant. The booth seats had been replaced with what looked like pallet wood that'd been reclaimed, sanded, and varnished, perhaps with polyurethane(?). They were as uncomfortable as a Southern Baptist Church pew where comfort is seen as a sin. You don't GO to a Southern Baptist church to get comfortable and the same could be said about the seating here as well. The lighting was the second thing we noticed. I've been in operating rooms with friendlier/warmer mood lighting. It was stark, far too bright, and not at all conducive to an intimate dining experience. I should have known that from the part where we ordered at the counter like at a McDonald's. But it's just lighting right? We'd come for the food.

The food came soon, our appetizers, quaintly called Armadillo eggs (Armadillos are mammals and don't actually lay eggs, but I quibble) and they were fried jalapeños stuffed with, I think, cream cheese and brisket. I say I think because when they arrived and I took a bite out of the huge things that were impressive to look at I realized I couldn't bite through them. Sadly, they were still frozen, not cold, frozen... hard.

I think the grease was too hot because the outside of the armadillo eggs was pretty dark, the replacement onion rings were also pretty dark on the outside but doughy on the inside still... They weren't crisp at all but were a little greasy...

You know. I don't want this to be a laundry list of the sides and here's why, they weren't great or even all that good really and I was really afraid until I tried the brisket. That brisket really was good. It was in the top three briskets I've ever had. It was smoked perfectly. It wasn't overcooked and dry and it mostly fell apart with my fork as I ate it. The rub/seasoning on the outside was delicious. I really really enjoyed the brisket. I'll get that again. I said as we were leaving that if we came back I'd just get the meat and they could keep the sides.

I've rarely been to a BBQ place where I raved about the sides. At a BBQ place it's about the meat and if I'm honest, mostly I don't care about the sides. They have them because we feel silly in front of plate as big as our head stacked high with just meat. That, however is what I want at a BBQ place and if I'd ordered that it would have been one of the better meals I've had lately. The sides? Don't eat them. We had 4 of the ones they offered and all 4 were "Meh" at best. (The grease really is too hot. The fries he got were a) burned, they looked like sweet potato fries and weren't and 2) stale. They'd been done a while before they made it to our table.

We had a problem with our order right out of the gate but we'd already paid so they couldn't take any off our check. They couldn't really DO anything at that point except offer us a free dessert which would have been a GREAT gesture. It would have been the pitmaster, who came to our table to apologize for the frozen food we were served, and was very gracious about it but the fact remains we paid full price for food so bad it had to be sent back and resent to us... that's not enough at a restaurant. At most places fixing a mistake is enough. At a restaurant we've come, as a public to expecting MORE than just fixing it when something is that badly messed up and this place with their McDonald's style ordering and lack of a dessert they could offer us meant they couldn't really DO anything to make us leave thrilled with the experience. I wasn't. He wasn't. Both of us said "If we go back..." and not "When we go back..." that's not a good thing. Some of it was the frozen appetizer and lack of an attempt to fix it better than just fixing it... some of it was the sides were just "meh" at best. Some of it was the atmosphere.

We need a good BBQ place in Ft. Dodge and if you want good BBQ meat get it to go and JUST get the brisket. Any money you spend on sides is money you'll regret having spent. We'll try again in a month. Hopefully they have a dessert by then and have turned down the heat a little on their fryers.

Movie Review: Into The Woods

I couldn't figure out the target audience. The moralizing was a little too old for a younger crowd and too broadly painted for a mature crowd. I felt like I was being beat over the head with a “LESSON!”. The storyline and acting were a little too over the top for a mature audience. The songs were too complicated to sing along with or to become things you pretty much ever wanted to hear again and the story just stopped during them. That’s a common problem in musicals but most musicals aren't action stories. They're more comedic or dramas. This was trying to be an action adventure but as the tempo would pick up it would just screech to a halt as they sang a somewhat complicate song with no hook; no memorable bits to it and then go on to the next bit of the movie.

Honestly, if they'd removed the songs the movie would have been not only shorter, which it needed, but tighter and better. I don't remember any information being given me in the songs that wasn't also given me in dialogue. I also don't remember any of the songs as something I want to hear again... ever.

Johnny Depp’s performance as the creepy wolf that is going to eat Red Riding Hood is getting a lot of talk because, well... it’s quite definitely a metaphor, and not a subtle one at all, for predators preying on little girls and the dangers of not obeying your parents and if you DO disobey you’ll probably get eaten by someone with a really skeevy mustache... and by eaten here I mean... well, let’s stick with eaten. But that part is short, really short. When I hear Johnny Depp’s going to be in a movie and then he’s a bit part. I was surprised. I thought there'd be more Depp.

Sadly, there was more of this movie than I wanted. I was looking at my watch early on... kept looking and looking. I didn't really care what happened to the people, which is good because as much as happily ever after usually happens, don't count on it here. Which, again, seemed odd. If it’s for younger kids happily ever after is the way things are supposed to be, not a treatise on how disappointing life is and how people will let you down and fail you and die so you can't depend on anyone. That’s a bit cynical isn’t it? That’s how fairy tales are supposed to start, not end.

So, my take on it? Don’t go. Just don’t. It’s too long. It’s too depressing, and the bumbling fool baker who couldn't remember the cow was supposed to be white was just annoying. Not just when he obviously redid what his daddy did that he didn't want to do but did... ugh, just don’t go. Use that money for anything else... a mani-pedi by a man with a chainsaw would be more entertaining and leave you feeling better about the time you would spend slogging through this thing.

Book Review: Hipstopia

I got Hipstopia for free during a promotion on Amazon. I've read R. A. Desilets before and enjoyed her books. This one looked different to me. Good different, and at free what was I out, right?

Imagine a Dystopian future, now imagine one populate/ruled by a hipster with his hipster followers? Now imagine it's in LA. What you have is the setting but it's not the story. The story is a person discovering who they are against a backdrop that says you are exactly who you want to be... in these 7 choices thankyouverymuch and don't stray, don't be different, be unique like us... exactly like us, or else.

And then boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy meets girl AGAIN and she knocks him out, literally, not figuratively. :) Go read it. It's the fashionable thing to do.

You do want to be fashionable don't you?

Movie Review: Transformers: Age of Extinction

I went to see Transformers: Age of Extinction tonight with +Allen Simpson and Ox. It was long, like very long. 165 minutes long, and I felt all of it.

Short version: I'd give it a C. Rent it at a Redbox for a buck, not on Blu-Ray! SPOILERS HAPPEN BELOW!!!

First: No Shia or Megan Fox. Those who have burned their bridges with Michael Bey and aren't going to be finding work with him any time soon. So, that means all new actors which is fine. Marky Mark seems like an odd choice but I was willing to give him a chance. I normally like him.

And then he fell into movie trope the worst. The daughter has only one parent. Now, there are two possible movie tropes here. There's either kid has one parent and other is missing OR there is the both parents are as dumb as a bag of hammers. They went for the second trope in the first three Transformers movies with foolish, bumbling, too stupid to live parents. This time they went with dead mom, single over-protective dad and he did that a lot. Constantly beat the horse to death.

The boyfriend, "Lucky Charms" had an accent sometimes that he claimed was Irish, hence the nickname. But, it wasn't always there. In one scene he was a complete coward after Marky "Dad" Mark asked, "You're not gonna bitch out on me are you?" Then of course the guy did... then Marky "over-protective but now I see you really love him so it's okay Dad" left his daughter in the guy's charge as he'd defend her. Really? He just bitched out on you.

Many times, MANY times, the car/transformer they were in would blow up, be shot, transform, fly through the air and hit a building and have to catch the fleshy human cargo. Inertia, thankfully didn't apply or they'd have been squished to paste over and over again. So, inertialess drive does exist apparently outside of the Lensman Universe.

About the time the movie SHOULD be winding up the bad guy is talked into being a good guy by Marky Mark in a 15 second conversation by phone and the second half of the movie has him being instead of the bad guy, comic relief. Seriously. He went from bad guy to comic relief. The bad guy switched from him to a bunch of others under the control of a Megatron Clone and then back from him to some other robot they'd previously tricked into leaving the galaxy... but he came back. The thing with a good story is it needs focus, it needs a bad guy. Darth Vader with the Emperor in the background is good, but going from Darth Vader to an army of clones to the emperor again... it just doesn't work. It's not good.

The heroes weren't really heroic in that the things that happened didn't happen because they were in charge of anything. They happened as the heroes reacted to things. It was always reaction. The humans in the story weren't needed at all really except as support for the robots which is cool. It's a Transformers movie after all and not a humans movie. Then why'd they spend soooo much time getting us to know the humans?

The internal logic of the movie fell flat to me. Really flat. The physics of it all was more egregiously bad than in past movies, all of which I've liked. This one? Not so much.

Did I mention the Dino-bots? Not a fan. They were the second half of the movie, oh, and John Goodman as a big cigar smoking robot. Why? I don't know. He even said once when he fell into a building, "My fat ass is stuck." *sigh* Really? At least it wasn't the balls sight gag from an earlier incarnation.

The most noteworthy part of it for me was that in the whole 17 hour long epic, okay, it only felt that long, the special effects were so special they never actually looked like effects to me. I was never brought out of the movie by them. It really looked like robots were destroying the US again, and then China. Special Effects have come a long way.

I know what you're thinking... and you're wrong!

First what you’re thinking is, “That looks amazing. I must have it!”

While watching television in you almost certainly noticed while waiting for your show to come back on, a commercial on TV for Fazoli’s new “spicy” menu items and you were immediately struck with a yearning, a craving, an almost physical need for what must almost certainly be a cajun pasta explosion of flavor and goodness. You felt, as you saw the screen dance with spicy chicken alfredo, spicy sausage and spaghetti, and an interpretation of cajun lasagna, an urge to lean forward as your salivary glands anticipated the culinary greatness that must be yours.

Oh yes. At some meal in the future, you would lobby hard for Fazoli’s to be a choice. You would wheedle, cajole, call in favors, and promise others, all for the tantalizing splendor that would be a cajun inspired spicy Italian carbohydrate laden feast for the senses. You would be mistaken. Completely, utterly, mistaken.

The kind of wrong that, were word to get out, would destroy your reputation as a genius and erudite thinker. It isn’t at all what you’re imagining. Let me explain.

Close your eyes. Picture the standard sampler platter in front of you. You got it? Black shiny foam plate with dividers? Three portions of pasta on it in crudely dolloped out spoon fulls? Now, hold that image in your mind as I reach across the table and shake about half a teaspoon of Louisiana hot sauce, perhaps Tabasco even, on each separate selection. While you watch with your mind’s eye I reach over with my fork and stir it, ever so slightly around so the sauce isn’t visible, but isn’t really evenly distributed either. Now I return my hands to my side of your imaginary table and take a sip of my Diet Doctor Pepper and watch as you reach forward with a black plastic fork, trembling with anticipation to taste it. Then, as the first bite hits your tongue your realize your mistake. The subtle flavors of oregano, tomato, and basil of the red sauce are gone, burned off by the overly pepper-sauced conglomeration that now adorns your spaghetti. You dump your fork off onto the plate and remember the chicken alfredo and know that this, this will be a dish fit for a king. This is the kind of food bard’s used to sing about in long houses to their viking lords!

Then you put a small bite in your mouth and the traditional taste of garlic and three cheeses melted into a cream sauce has been replaced with the pepper infused vinegar flavor and aroma of the red bottle. The chicken grants no surcease from the burning in your mouth as it too is infused with this heinous distillation of dragon’s farts and heartburn. This isn’t just hot or spicy. It’s cheaply done hot and spicy. It’s the standard sauces adulterated with a knock-off hot sauce. No thought was put into measuring amounts or complementary flavors. It’s overwhelmingly tasting of a vinegar based hot sauce, and that’s all you taste through the whole meal. The three dishes are all the same dish, a noodle, a sauce that tastes only of too much hot sauce, and little else.

I like hot stuff. I love cajun cooking. I think spices are multi-layered affairs that dazzle the tongue, tease the nose, and dance their way down the diner’s throat to explode in a warm feeling of satisfaction and happiness in the eater’s stomach. This blasphemy of a meal does none of that. It rapes your tongue, claws it’s way down your throat after sodomizing your nose using a saguaro cactus strap-on, and when it gets to your stomach it turns on all the acid taps to bathe in the hydrochloric juices as your stomach wall dissolves under the assault. There’s no hint of flavor or subtlety. It’s a culinary assault and it should end soon, very soon, before you are tricked into trying it. You won’t like it. In fact, it’ll ruin perfectly mediocre Fazoli’s food and turn it into something that tastes like it spilled out of an over-charged car battery.

So, save yourself. The next time you see the commercial and are tempted, French kiss a 9V battery instead.

Bates Motel thoughts

I've been watching Bates Motel on A&E since it started last year and I really love the acting in it. Freddie Highmore is amazing as a younger, high-school aged, Norman Bates and his mother, alive thankfully, played by Vera Farmiga is stunning. The two together are greater than the sum of their parts and seriously are the two best performances I've ever seen. They're seriously perfect together. Freddie Highmore seems to be channeling the original character, Norman Bates and has the walk, mannerisms, everything so spot on it's creepy.

What has me really thinking this season isn't just their amazing performances or their story line (I'm not a super fan of the drug business in the town story line but hey, every show has a B-line and it's never as strong or it'd be the primary story, right?) But it's something A&E has done that I've never seen before.

One of the criticisms I got in my book Jump/Drive was that I had high school aged kids dealing with sex when they weren't adults. I'm not kidding. They talked about it and talked to an adult about it and I got e-mails saying that wasn't appropriate or okay in a YA (Young Adult) book because there are two kinds of people: Adults who are sexual and children who are children all 17 years and 364 days of their childhood and are NOT sexual animals and must not EVER be looked at that way, thought about as thinking about it, or anything else. TV has mostly played along that line really.

Season 2, Episode 9 of Bate's Motel we hear something very different. Norman has a crush on one of his teachers who has mysteriously turned up dead after he was at her house. He doesn't know what happened. He blacked out. It keeps happening that people get hurt when he's blacked out. But that's not the important part. They didn't show him having sex with her. They showed him at the house. In S2E9 the sheriff says something along the lines of "Some of the semen in [dead teacher] was Norman's." My mind was blown.

What Bate's Motel and A&E did was just talk about a minor not only having sex with an adult but leaving "semen" and that's the word they used and I was like, "What the hell?" behind. That's not something a child would do but he IS a child. The hard sharp line between adulthood and childhood that TV seems so fond of is so very broken here. They did a throwaway line about arresting her for sex with a minor if she weren't already dead or something like that to cover their butts and make sure we the audience knew they didn't condone that sort of behavior. But the part where they discussed it at all, and in that kind of detail was very different from what I've seen before. There were bodily fluids discussed between two different generations of people and one of them is/was still a child. (Yes, I'm intentionally using that word to be provocative because that's the way things are done on TV with this subject a lot of the time. But not this time.)

So, if you've never seen this show find it on DVD, watch it on Netflix, whatever it takes, but watch it. It's some of the best TV out there and you won't regret it.