Review: Crockpot Italian Zucchini Meatloaf

Crockpot Italian Zucchini Meatloaf

My room mate and I are low-carbers and I'm a devotee of the crockpot. It was my turn to cook Saturday night and I wanted to try something different so a little Google-fu and this recipe popped up. Crockpot Italian zucchini meatloaf.

I like meatloaf as much as the next guy and the roomie's okay with it too so that sounded good. The problem with meatloaf, as you can see on the right, it's not terribly photogenic. It looks like a poop on a plate. It didn't taste like it though!

The first thing that drew me to the recipe was the binder wasn't cracker crumbs or oatmeal, it was shredded zucchini that sat and wept the water out for a while. I squeezed it out repeatedly and let it sit longer. It stayed shredded and didn't turn into mush. I wondered how it'd take the weeping in a strainer. It took it fine.

The second thing about the recipe that caught my eye was the idea of using aluminum foil to make "straps" to go under the meatloaf so when you're done you can just lift it up out of the crockpot and set it on the plate. That's what I did here, and as you can see it came out in one piece really nicely. I forgot to put the cheese on so that was added later. I microwaved it for a minute to get that much melt on it. Oops, my fault, not the fault of the recipe.

Flavor? Good. If I made it again I'd increase the garlic and the salt and now that I've eaten it and am sitting here about half an hour later... I'd probably decrease the oregano. I'm burping it. He isn't so it's just me and he probably wouldn't notice if I dialed it back a bit.

The ultimate question is did I keep the recipe? Will I make it again? No. Probably not. I will use the techniques IN the recipe again though. Those foil straps are genius and the zucchini binder was good too. I'll use that in future recipes as it adds vegetables to the diet and doesn't increase net-carbs unduly.

So, the recipe wasn't one I'll make again, but it'll change the way I cook and that counts as a win in my book.

New Favorite Low-Carb Recipe

I'm not sure how I found this recipe but it became an instant hit at the house and is my favorite... so favorite I immediately made it again to take to work for lunches.

Slow Cooker Pepperoni & Chicken over on the SkinnyMom blog is delicious. Seriously, and easy too.

Go to Skinny Mom's blog to get the actual recipe. What I'm going to do is describe it. Start with a crock pot, any size, and layer the bottom with one layer of chicken breasts. On top of that I deviated from the recipe because I had no chicken broth so I dumped half a can of tomato sauce and about the same amount of water over the chicken. No, I didn't mix it.. either time. I dumped. On top of that I sprinkled Italian seasonings from McCormick I think, until it looked right. Next I dealt pepperoni onto the mess like they were cards and I was covering the whole thing in them. Slap on the lid, turn on the crock pot and enjoy as the house starts to smell like pizza is cooking. Six hours went by as it cooked on low and the roomie finally woke up (he works nights, and I had to wait for him to wake up enough to feel like something decidedly unbreakfast like for his breakfast) I put some cheese on it, generous amounts of shredded mozzarella and put the lid back on while I steamed some broccoli which I sprinkled with lemon pepper and then dumped more shredded cheese on as I plated the rest the cheese mostly melted.

It. Was. Delicious! Cut it with a fork chicken, the spices were perfect, the whole thing, seriously great. My hat's off to Skinny Mom and I love this recipe. Low carb, delicious, and easy... also, relatively inexpensive.

Note: The recipe on the site calls for black olives but a) I didn't have any and b) I had no clue what I'd do with the other 3/4 of a can of black olives this would have left me with so even if I had had them I probably would have left them out. I just can't see throwing away that many olives and I don't eat them enough to justify the expense. Roomie says he'd eat the rest of the can just with a fork... if he buys 'em I'll use 'em I guess, but I'm not going to buy them. Not worth it to me. Bacon would be worth it to me... not black olives.

Note: The knife was completely unnecessary. I didn't know that when I grabbed it. Seriously tender and delicious. Make this. You won't regret it.

Low-Carb Cooking: Flax Meal Muffins with Cream Cheese Frosting

I've been doing low-carb for a long time and one of the things that I crave is desserts and pastries. I'm not a big bread person but who doesn't love a cupcake? One recipe that I see a lot are low-carb flax meal muffins made in a cup in the microwave and they've always been a little... flaxy. I decided to play with the recipe a little and try and make it a dessert.

I started with the recipe linked to above and modified it. I used cinnamon in it, about half a tea-spoon and added 4 Tablespoons of Stevia and nuked it for about a minute 40. It rises up really tall, but don't panic, it calms down and gets back down in the cup where it belongs.

While it was cooking I stirred a little over an ounce of cream cheese, some of Penzey's double strength vanilla, just a splash, and a splash of almond milk along with 3 Tablespoons of Stevia. It stirred up pretty thinly, not thick like a frosting but more like a glaze like you'd find on a cinnamon roll.

As soon as the cup was out of the microwave I dumped it onto a paper plate and let it cool for a bit before scraping the frosting onto it. When I cut it with the fork and ate it it was light and not packy and the cinnamon and frosting helped to tone down the nuttiness of the flax meal that typically bugs me with things made with flax meal. I think this would be really good with a banana and walnuts chopped into it. Maybe some banana extract in the frosting instead of vanilla.

I'm a fan of low-carb because I feel good when I'm on it and my bloodwork from the doctor's point of view is consistently good and better than before I was on Atkins. I'm happy when I find something good enough to share.

Weight Loss & Me

Achievement Unlocked: Goal Weight Reached!

I used to cook a lot for me and my other half and we ate well and it was delicious (except the time I made tomato soup with soy milk, that was simply awful, I can't recommend it at all.) But, my meals were making us both bigger, a lot bigger than we wanted to be. So, I learned a new way to eat that is healthier for me and has gotten me from 205 lbs (93kg) down to what you see here in the fuzzy picture, 165lbs (75kg).

When I was at my biggest the doctor told me during my annual exam that I was what's it called? Pre-diabetic. Well, that's no good at all. So, taking a page from my Mom's playbook based on the assumption that I've got a 50% chance of having a metabolism similar to hers, I went on the Atkins diet and tried to make sure I walked 10k steps a day. There was a stint in there when I ran pretty regularly, but that's mostly over right now due to a knee injury I did to myself out of stupidity. Nothing permanent. It's better now but I lost the momentum and haven't gotten it back.

So, now when I tell people I don't eat something because it's "not on my diet" what I really mean is it's not good for me and I'm trying to not do things that are bad for me. But what they say is "You're not fat." Nope, I'm not. But I was and I don't want to be again! So, instead of trying to foist the garbage onto me as a kindness it'd make me SUPER happy if you'd smile and say, "Well, congrats. It's working," instead of "You don't need to be. Here eat this." You're not all jewish mothers from 80's sit-coms trying to fatten me up, so stop playing the role. It's rude and irritates me. I'm not telling you to eat like I do so please, PLEASE stop telling me to eat like you do.

I'm a huge fan of MyFitnessPal as a way of tracking what I eat and keeping me on target. I mostly know what I can eat, but sometimes I go on an "enter it all because you need to pay attention dummy!" phase and when I do, MyFitnessPal is there with a great site and a great app for the android phone. I'm a huge fan. Another tool I used was a fitbit flex (affiliate link - buy it and I'll get a nickle or two) I got back in the day when I had money. They're not cheap but they're great activity trackers and the website dashboard is the best I've seen out there. It really is fantastic. Love mine.

In there I had a BIG job change where my income was cut by a LOT and money was tight, like really tight for a while, like seriously... I lived in a shack and was broke as hell. They're better now, but that was the hardest time to lose weight because carbs are cheap and protein isn't. Fresh vegetables aren't. It was a lot harder to eat healthy while broke but it's possible. It involved a LOT of chicken and eggs (when they were on sale) and frozen vegetables instead of fresh like I preferred. If I could get fish on sale I'd add that as often as possible because that's helpful with the good cholesterol.

That bout of near-poverty did help me see something I'd not paid attention to before (the last time I was poor I hadn't cared what I ate and would eat anything.) cheap food is factory food. I could get more bags of frozen dinners and pot pies and frozen pizzas than I could of real food for the same amount of money. But those things are all loaded with carbs, empty calories, salt, and God knows what other chemicals to give them the months long shelf-life that real food just shouldn't have. So, when I look around and see the obesity epidemic I understand it better now. Real food isn't as cheap as factory-food, or as convenient. Those bags of frozen chicken parts aren't something I could just throw in the microwave and eat... they required a time investment to turn them from ingredients to food.

So, now what? I've reached my goal weight. Well, it hasn't been about weight for a while now. I am a healthy weight for my height and age and I look pretty okay I think. I'm happy with my weight and have been for a while. Next though, because there's always a next, is getting in a little better shape. I'm not planning on lifting trucks or things, but I'm at an age where evidently muscle starts to go away. Well, that's no good. I don't need a lot of them, but I need enough to get me to the coffee pot and back for a lot of years yet! So, I've started using some Runtastic Apps on my phone to do some fitness type things. I'm not to a point where I'm lifting weights because seriously, picking things up bores me, but some exercises, bodyweight exercises, can't hurt: crunches, push-ups, planks, and squats so far.

How about you? What're you doing to get healthier? Take it from me, an inveterate pizza, Mountain Dew, and donut junkie, it's possible and without feeling like you're going to die. :)

Food Review: Atkin’s Chicken Broccoli Alfredo

In my continuing quest for a good frozen Alfredo-based meal I gave the Atkin’s one a try because I really am not a fan of most Italian food. Really when’s the last time you ate a noodle and said, “DAMN! That’s one fine frelling noodle right there! I’ve had some good noodles in my life but that noodle? Mmmmm... damned fine noodle.” Nobody’s ever said that ever. Why? Because noodles are boring. “Oh! You’ve made homemade noodles! That’s amazing! I bet they’re completely unlike every other noodle made with flour & water in the history of the world!” Said no one, ever.

So, I was happy this one had no noodles. Huzzah! The other advantage of Atkins is it, as a diet, doesn’t demonize fat, you know, the carrier of flavor. So, I supposed this dish would have copious amounts of chicken & broccoli with a delicious cheese based sauce that was probably high in fat because they don’t have to worry about fat because Atkins folks don’t care, so it would be resplendent with flavor I was mostly right.

And here it is right after I took it out and peeled the plastic off the top of it. Um, the broccoli is WAY over cooked. But it smelled goodish. Broccoli isn’t the most fragrant of vegetables so I gave the thing a sniff to see if I could detect any pepper in the sauce. I can’t see any at all. I didn’t smell any either. I could smell the cheesy sauce though. It smelled good. I added pepper myself. You know. You can’t tell if this chicken is grilled like in the picture on the box or not. I think to be fair I should plate this stuff up and see how it looks on a plate instead of in that plastic tray thing.

Well, this actually does look better doesn’t it? I stirred it up to distribute the sauce better and since it separated in the steamy bath of the plastic film it looks better mixed. Same camera took all three pictures. That black tray does NOT help the food look good does it?

How’d it taste? There were nice big healthy chunks of chicken that were about like you’d expect steamed chicken to taste, firm pieces, some big enough to be more than one bite. The broccoli really was mush though. The sauce... really that’s what this is all about. I should have just smelled it. It wasn’t flavorful at all. It was anemic and runny with no really strong taste at all. Instead of the food taking on the taste of the sauce the sauce was so lackluster IT adopted the taste of whatever I was eating. If I were eating broccoli it tasted like broccoli and dishwater. If I were eating chicken it tasted like chicken and dishwater.

The best part of this meal is definitely the chicken though. Nice whole pieces of white meat, big healthy filling chunks. I am full after eating the meal which wasn’t true of the others I’ve reviewed. This meal was the most filling of any of them and that’s without pasta.

Would I recommend this meal? I dunno. I think so but that’s purely on how good the chicken was. The dishwater sauce made sure it was moist and not dried out like white meat sometimes can be in these kinds of meals. The meat really is the star here. The sauce from the Michelena one that had no chicken or anything else in it was the best sauce so far.

Carb Creep during my Quit.

I quit smoking back in October and mostly stayed close to my diet during that time but allowed myself to go off it to avoid smoking. If I'm dying for a cigarette and can get myself through it without smoking by eating a wedding cake? Well... Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Nothing that extreme. But I was eating the flavored oatmeals in the morning for breakfast, not healthy. I had chips in the house, granted they were tostitos and I dipped them in salsa and didn't eat a lot at once but still.... not good.

So, tonight I went shopping after work and bought frozen vegetables. I want fresh but I can't afford fresh and if I don't eat it right away it spoils so fresh isn't practical for me right now. I also bought some chicken. I'd intended to buy tilapia but all the tilapia was farm raised in China and I'm not in favor of that because I'm not sure if the farm-raised in China is fed feces or not. I've read reports that they were and the idea isn't one I'm crazy about. I'd rather not thanks all the same. So, I skipped the tilapia. I'll shop for it elsewhere.

The main thing was I got healthy stuff. Forty dollars in frozen vegetables, meat, cheese, and two dozen eggs is an awful lot of food. Total net carbs of entire purchase is probably less than the average american will eat in a day... and I'll eat this over the next week or so as I try and refocus on taking care of myself as well as not smoking which honestly was the primary concern for the past few months.

As I put away the groceries I de-carbed the house. The exception is I didn't throw away the instant oatmeal. I may need it later if I'm starving to death or something. I just can't get myself to throw it away. It's food man! You don't throw away food. Chips I can throw away. Fig Newtons I can... there may even have been some old chocolate chip cookies. I'll neither confirm nor deny. But there aren't any more!!! The oatmeal I was eating has been replaced with the steel cut oats and they're delicious and seem blood sugar and weight loss friendly so far.

Wish me luck. I'll try not to bore you too terribly much with talk about my diet. But I'm gonna. I know I will. I get a little obsessive when I'm doing something.

Mmmm... Salad

Apologies for the focus on food over the next few days.

  

It's hot out and that means light food. When people think Atkins they think MEAT, but there's vegetables too, and more kinds of meat than just bacon... I know. It sounds blasphemous to say. But fish is good for you too.

Light means salads but salads aren't very filling so add protein & some fat to spruce it up a little. One of the thinks about the Atkins Diet that I like is all the protein in it means I'm usually feeling full.

Started with some sort of crinkley lettuce that I chopped, some cucumber, a roma tomato and chopped that up and threw the last two in a bowl with some lemon juice while I opened and drained the tuna (packed in water so vitamins stay in the tuna).

Scooped the tuna out onto the lettuce then scooped the tomatoes and cucumbers out of the lemon juice. I just wanted some of the lemon flavor, not for it to be overwhelming.

I tossed the whole thing with olive oil, lemon-pepper, and salt. I chucked it in the fridge for a minute or two and then it was chow time while I watched old episodes of Teen Wolf on Netflix.

Nutritional Breakdown:
Calories: 307, Fat 23, Carbs 12, Protein 22, Fiber 6, Net Carbs 6

Eat your vegetables

One of the criticisms I hear the most about the Atkins diet is that there aren't enough vegetables or there's too much meat. I'm unclear on what "too much meat" means lol. 

Thus omelet is two eggs and a cup of chopped peppers and onions with mushrooms. Does your burger have that many vegetables?

Nutritional breakdown? 

Calories: 319 Fat: 23 Protein: 27 

Carbs: 7 Fiber: 5 Net Carbs 2

Food Experiment Part 1

Today I went shopping and tried to buy a week's worth of healthy food. My definition of healthy is Atkins Diet friendly. That means low carb, high fiber and preferably nutrition dense with a wide variety of healthy stuff in it.

I wound up spending a lot more than I thought I should on it all but I intend to eat on it for a week and nothing else. (I'll include the shopping list at the end. It's the least interesting thing in the post.)

I'd intended to keep the receipt and give a cost breakdown of each meal. I accidentally threw it away and then it wound up with erm... stuff all over it. Next time.

This was tonight's dinner/supper (depending on where you're from) and I couldn't finish it all. I saved half of the burger and Colby-Jack cheese back for tomorrow. What follows is the nutritional breakdown.  You can't see the Chia seeds that I added to my 12oz glass of water (in which I'd dropped cucumber slices earlier in the day with some ice and put in the fridge to infuse the cucumber flavor through out. SUPER refreshing. It actually FEELS wetter).

Total Calories: 705
Total Fat: 55
Total Protein 63
Total Carbs 18 (Brussels Sprouts were the worst offenders at 4 net carbs)
Total Fiber 9
Net Carbs 9 (Total Carbs - Total Fiber)

Okay, so what'd I get with my $61?

1 head of cabbage
1 onion
6 roma tomatoes
1 pint cherry tomatoes
2 zucchini
2 cucumbers
3lbs lean ground beef
1 lb bacon (thick cut)
cheapest olive oil they had
1 lb coffee (cheap stuff from Folgers)
3 peppers (green, yellow, & red)
1 box of mushrooms
1 dozen eggs
3 cans of white tuna
lots of green beans like a gallon ziplock of them (fresh)
a gallon bag of brussels sprouts

Sugar is everywhere!

I've been doing the Atkins diet for weeks now, maybe six weeks? I can't remember.
Atkins, if you haven't heard of it, is a low-carb diet that focuses on limiting carbs, not caring about calories or fat.
I started doing it as a way of keeping my blood sugar in line with where I thought it should be. My family medical history has diabetes in it and I'm not there and don't want to be there. Diabetes is like rust on your internal organs and it's cumulative. I don't want chronic damage to my insides happening while I'm not looking and "just a little diabetic" is, to me, like being "just a little pregnant." Damage is damage. "Just a little diabetic" means the damage is happening slower but do I really want my guts rusting? Even slowly? Not if there's something I can do about it.
So I'm watching carbs and one of the biggest things that makes carbs show up in food is sugar. Processed sugar is the most common. I'm including High fructose corn syrup as a processed sugar because it's processed and a sugar so it counts.
Sugar is EVERYWHERE. Famous Dave's has a delicious variety of meats that I really like. Their brisket, a cut of meat that when it comes off the cow has zero carbs in it and is delicious but the way Famous Dave's makes it has 30g of carbs & 10g of sugars. 30g of carbs was my total carb allowance for the day when I ate it. I was wog-boggled. It was the first time I became really aware with just how obsessed we are with sugar as a primary flavor in our food.
In 2003 Iowa's childhood obesity rate was 12%. In 2007 it was 25%. It doubled in 4 years. (Source). It's been going up since then. Looking around I can tell you that the fat kids are growing up to be fat adults. Target recently changed their sizes, what used to be a large in kid's clothing is now a medium. The kid is still fat but now (s)he won't FEEL fat.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but flies don't live that long. I don't think we should aspire to their lifespan and dietary habits.

Damn you cholesterol! *shakes fist*

So, after being on Atkins for two weeks I got into the doctor to see if my kidneys were going to fall out from the excess animal protein. He indicated if I drank plenty of water they should stay inside me where they belong.

What did wind up concerning him as it turns out, was my cholesterol was literally one point higher than he wanted it to be so he indicated I should return to talk about medication options to fix it. (I should point out my theory on the increased cholesterol from last visit is due more to the induction phase of the diet which has far fewer vegetables than I normally eat more than a result of the diet itself. The Induction phase is really restrictive on vegetables and you know what meat doesn't have in it? Fiber lol)

Here's the thing though. No other options were discussed. He didn't mention increased fiber intake or other dietary changes like increasing my fish intake to increase good cholesterol and improve the ratio. He didn't mention an exercise program to help reduce the bad cholesterol. Nothing. One point above what he wanted and he decided some medicine is the right thing to do.

I don't like that. First off I'm not convinced that cholesterol in the blood is going to kill me. I get that cholesterol plaque on the arteries is bad but that's not what this test measured. It measures the stuff in the blood, not along my arterial walls.

So, I'm ignoring his recommendation I come in for medication. I'll change my diet (increase fiber and add fish) and add some exercise which I've slacked on for a while now, and see if that works. I can get it tested at Walgreens in a month and then again at three months and keep an eye on it that way. I'm not a doctor, but I don't need to be a doctor to look at a number and see if it's going up or down. He said it was too high so I'll bring it down... without medication thankyouverymuch.

Atkins Update

I started Atkins about a week ago, June 7th (Today's the 18th so that'd be 11 days ago) for health reasons, not weight loss reasons. I've read & heard from my mom about the advantages a low carb diet has in regards to things like cholesterol and blood sugar so I thought I would give it a try.

I'm 11 days into my 14 day induction phase of the diet, the most restrictive phase of the diet, less than 20 carbs a day with most of them coming from green vegetables. The omelet pictured here is 2 eggs, a teaspoon of half and half, 3/4 cup brocolli, 2 table spoons cream cheese and bacon all cooked up in cooking spray. It's absolutely on the Atkins diet.

Calories: 313, Net Carbs (That's carbs minus fiber) 7 and that's the important part. Really all that matters for Atkins is the net carbs. Most of the carbs there came from the brocolli (8 but less the 5 grams of fiber). (I use myfitnesspal to track my food.)

One of the side effects of the diet for me that is most surprising is the amount of weight I've lost. I've lost almost 8 lbs, going from 192 to 184. I've hit a plateau or leveling off where I've been around 184, within half a pound for three days. I wasn't as strict as I should have been on Sunday having some mixed nuts (6 net carbs) that were in addition to what I should have been eating. It was Father's Day and there was a thing and there were snacks and well... I had some mixed nuts and thereby went over my count, but I'd known that was going to happen.

So, the impact it's had on my blood sugar, the real reason I'm doing this? It's been consistently down in the 90s in the morning instead of between 100-115 like it was before Atkins. The numbers I was getting pre-Atkins are in line with pre-diabetic numbers and I was eating healthy according to all the normal ideas of what a diet should be. I was big on portion control, doing low fat, not super high calories... but my blood wasn't the blood of a healthy person who intended to be around for a long time.

Diabetes is insidious in that during the early stages, like I was, pre-diabetic, no outward symptoms, the higher blood sugar will rust your organs. OK. That's not really all that technical but that's the effect it has. Just like rust on your car is slow, chronic, and irreversible, so are the effects of diabetes, even pre-diabetes on a person's insides. I'm not being alarmist. It's just that this whole life thing... I'm in it for the long haul. I don't want my body rusting on the inside when there's something I can do about it. Something easy like eat fewer carbs, avoid grains as if they're a slow poison, and do a little exercise now and then.

I'm not a doctor (or I wouldn't have said my insides were rusting from eating spaghetti) and I can't pretend to give medical advice, but I can tell you that following the diet for the first few days has been educational and helpful. How well I'll do on it long term has a lot to do with me. It's doable on the road. It's doable at home. It's doable. I've watched my mom do it and her blood sugar's in line, her cholesterol has LOWERED on this diet, and she's lost weight and looks great and has good energy levels.

(Side Note: I noticed while looking at pictures of her food on her blog that my food pictures cooked at home almost always include my kindle in the shot. Hers do as well. You'd think we were readers or something.)

I think I'm going to die. (Danger: Whining!)

The longer I look at the things I can't eat the more I'm stressing over this plan. Sure, there are things I can eat... but I've never heard of some of them! And let's be serious, fruit? I love fruit! I buy cases of apples and grapefruit. OK. I buy one case each. But still! That's going to hurt. But oh joy! I can eat chickory, endive, arugala and escarole in giant heaps. WTH is an escarole(1)?!? Might as well tell me I can have all the moon rocks I can stomach!

And oatmeal? I've spent YEARS learning to like oatmeal for breakfast. I've gotten to the point where I really DO like it and will have it as a meal replacment even... or I would. It's quick and easy and I thought it was good for me. Evidently there's no way I can eat oatmeal at all on this plan. Sure, if that were all I were going to eat containing carbs for the whole day that'd be fine except I'm supposed to get 15 carbs from vegetables! That leaves me 10 carbs for oatmeal. I think that'd be about a third of a cup. 

Ugh. I should have read more before I started this stupid thing! I didn't know what I was getting into and I told myself I'd do it for two months to see how it went. I'm on day 2 and just now realizing how limited this all is. I suspect some of this is just junkie talk as my body go into some weird carb-starve mode that will result in my blood sugars and cholesterol and all that other blood stuff settling down into healthy numbers, and once I acclimate to not eating so many grains (Hell, I'm goin to be practically gluten free for induction (the first two weeks) at least) it'll be better.

I don't mean to sound whiny... I guess I do. I'm enough of a writer to know what tone I'm using when I write. It's only 2 weeks of induction then things get better and I can have  like... a piece of grape or something lol.

(1) I looked it up escarole is yet another leafy green vegetable that will not be available anywhere I shop. I can't even find kale and I've heard of that one. You're pretty much limited to spinach, lettuce, greens, and cabbage where I live. CRAP! Arugula is another of those too! 

#discouraged

Waking up...

Last week at work was a little... tiring. The hours were long and varied and unpredictable and that wears on a person. I was at a store that is perfectly staffed with 8 employees. There were 3 when the manager left for vacation (It wasn't a real one, it was unavoidable and personal... she couldn't stay to clean up the mess.). That's no good. Guess who gets to try and be the manager as well as the remaining 5 employees AND try and help crew morale because obviously they were overworked doing horrible shifts as well? Wait! I also needed to hire and train at least 4 people while being positive, energetic, excited, and all that other good stuff. Oops. I blew the secret. It was me. :) I'm back to my home store now and the manager's back. She returned to a full crew, trained (1 still in training but doing well) and things should be going well there. So, why am I scared to death they're going to spiral out of control without me there? I get attached to crews/employees when I work in a store that long and that closely and it's hard to let go. I'm also very protective of my employees.

So, I've been home two nights now in my own bed and have been completely unable to get up the energy to do anything. Even my daily writing (I write every day rain or shine whether I feel like it or not) was mostly things along the lines of "Dear God I'm tired. I can't think. My brain is pudding. I should go to sleep. I'd do better with some rest. Oh man... I haven't hit my goal yet... It's been an hour and I don't have a page written? This is horrible."

I'm pleased to say that today, this morning, I feel much better. I'm not physically exhausted or emotionally pooped. That's the thing about those long hours and days and days of being positive, optimistic, helpful, outgoing, cheerful, etc for hours after I should have been in bed day after day... that takes energy. I don't know what kind of energy but it's an energy. And the crew can tell if you're faking it so you have to mean it... and it's hard to fake meaning it so you really DO have to mean it... and that's exhausting. I said emotionally but I think I mean mentally. It's some numinous kind of energy that a Snickers bar won't fix for me. I'm an introvert in real life, I'm only extroverted at work, so to recharge my batteries I need a long time alone with a book and a hot beverage. Maybe a video game. But just me, nobody else, not even nearby, like on the couch or something. I've had that for a few days now. I think I'll make it.

Did I say Snickers bar? Yeah. Yesterday I started doing the Atkins diet. The thing is I don't know enough about it so I started it like this, "OK. I'm not sure how many carbs I can have so I'll just not eat any." My total carb count for the day when I got to the house and put my food in the computer was 12. That's low lol. So, today is going to be better. I'm allowed up to 20 as long as they're the right kind. I can do that. I've brought my lunch. I'll run home for dinner and then it's off to an art show at my favorite coffee shop... where I'll have a hot tea sans sweetener.

Just in case that's not enough I'm doing the quitting smoking again. I figure between the lack of soda, lack of sugar or processed foods, and hugely lower carb intake my smoking urges will be lost in the misery so why not? That kind of works out though because part of Atkins is some exercise daily and I don't want a cigarette after I do cardio so I'll just walk a lot, briskly. I haven't decided if I'm going to pick up running or not. I'm going to focus on getting good walks in first, that'll get me used to the time it takes to run. I'm tired of saying I'm going to be running and then I do a few times and then peter out. It leaves me feeling like a chronic failure. So, instead I'm going to walk. Walk first, run second. That's what happened last time. It got to where walking wasn't enough so I started running. Maybe it'll work this time. Maybe not. I just need to make sure I'm getting in some cardio. I feel better when I do and saying, "RUN" and then not just left me feeling disappointed in myself all the time.

But, I'm awake and I'm doing some positive things, probably too many at once, but I'm not pudding-brained any more so that's good.